The Marriage: Naruto and Sasuke's Strange Relationship
by Uzamaki Sasuke
Summary: Naruto had never imagined marriage quite like this, but with Sasuke, it's everything he could've ever wanted and more. The more being absolute mayhem, mischief, and madness, but he'll take it. Sequel to The Incidents: Naruto and Sasuke's Strange Relationship Milestones. NARUSASU RATED T FOR LANGUAGE
1. Hubert and Friends

**A/n:** Hey! So happy to be back with more! I have a long A/N at the bottom to address some concerns, so be aware of that I guess. It has to do with reviews on The Incidents since the concerns will probably carry on through this fic.

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

"Hey, where's your Mrs.?" Sakura pops up in Naruto's doorway.

"Hm?" Naruto looks up from his desk.

"Sasuke. Where has he been?"

"Oh, uh…" Naruto purses his lips slightly, "he's on maternity leave."

"M-maternity leave?" Sakura repeats.

"Yup."

"You have a kid?"

"Of sorts." Naruto frowns at the papers on his desk.

"What do you mean of sorts?"

"Hubert."

"Is that supposed to make sense?" Sakura enters the classroom.

"Hubert, our snake." Naruto says calmly.

Sakura stares at Naruto.

"He's on maternity leave. For a snake."

"Yup."

"How did you manage that?" Sakura places a hand on the corner of his desk.

"Honestly, they'll do anything to shut him up at this point." Naruto looks up at Sakura, "Wouldn't you?"

"Well, that's just strange, though! Why do you even have a snake, anyways?"

"He keeps bringing damned snakes into the house so I decided to get him one. We know what this one is and she's not poisonous so…" Naruto shrugs.

"Venomous."

"Hm?"

"The word you are looking for is venomous."

Naruto shakes his head.

"Whatever. She's not _venomous."_ Naruto corrects himself.

"Her name is Hubert?"

"Sasuke refuses to believe the snake is a female."

"Let Sasuke call it a male, then. It is Sasuke's snake, right?"

"Yup. I let him name her Hubert, too."

"I would've thought Rosemary or something, seeing his obsession with the name."

"Nope, surprisingly not."

"When can I meet it, then?" Sakura asks, "It is your child, isn't it?"

"Oh, he'll come around, I promise you."

* * *

Sasuke does, in fact, come around.

He enters Naruto's room in the middle of his lesson, toting Hubert on his shoulders. He watches Naruto contently as Naruto teaches his class. Oh, love, what a wonderful emotion.

The students whisper back and forth to each other. Sasuke eyes them suspiciously.

"Hey, Sas! What's up?" Naruto greets Sasuke as he sees him.

"Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd stop by, is all." Sasuke walks up to Naruto.

"Well, it's always nice to see you."

"And Hubert." Sasuke raises Hubert slightly. "Hubert, too."

"Yes, Hubert, of course." Naruto eyes the crown on the snake's head. "This would be the one time I'd be happy you splurged on something."

"What?" Sasuke looks at the crown, "No, I made that! Isn't it cute?"

"That's very uh… elaborate, Sas, you sure you aren't going crazy?" Naruto leans down to inspect the crown.

"Bold of you to pretend I wasn't already crazy, but thank you." Sasuke gestures toward the snake with his head, "Kissy."

Naruto tries to hide his eye roll as he gives Hubert a small kiss on his head. Sasuke beams as Naruto stands up straight.

"King Hubert is pleased with your contributions today. You shall be rewarded upon your arrival at home."

"King Hubert, huh?" Naruto puts his hands on his hips.

"Yup! King Hubert and Queen Bitch!" Sasuke says happily.

"What am I, then?"

"Daddy."

The class laughs as Naruto sighs.

"Daddy, of course. Why didn't I see that coming?" Naruto mumbles to himself.

"We just came to say hi, since Hubert wanted to see you."

"Hubert did? What about you?"

"I can do with a few hours of quiet a day, thank you."

Naruto looks offended.

"I'm glad our daughter likes me, then."

" _Son."_ Sasuke glares. "Son."

Naruto sighs. "Son, yes."

"He told me he's our son."

"Of course, dear – wait, is he talking to you?" Naruto asks.

"Occasionally."

Naruto tries to calm himself. Sasuke says stuff like that a lot, he shouldn't take it at face value, he assures himself. It's just… alarming to hear that.

"Alright, how about you and Hubert go on home, then."

"Kissy. For me."

Naruto smiles softly.

"Of course."

Naruto places a soft kiss on Sasuke's lips. Sasuke smiles.

"Thank you." Sasuke sings out.

"Your welcome, Sas."

Sasuke exits the classroom. Naruto sighs.

"Why are you married to that thing again?" A student asks.

"Hey! I love him." Naruto pouts.

"Does he just randomly visit like that?" Another pipes up.

"We would've heard of it if he did." Someone replies.

"No, he doesn't usually…" Naruto trails off.

Oh, no.

* * *

Naruto tries to steady his breathing as he stands in front of the door. He hopes his gut feeling is wrong, but it almost never is.

His hands shake as he opens the door. Please, no…

Naruto enters the house. It's quiet.

"I have funny story to tell you today."

Naruto groans.

"You see, there was this man selling magic jelly beans. And they were uh… magical. He said they grant wishes! The man had a cloak and a staff so I assumed it was legit, but to be honest, I think the cloak may have been a trash bag and the staff just a really _sick_ stick he found somewhere in a magical forest so I guess in any case it _was_ magical. So I took them and guess what? Dreams come true! He was right! I gave a bean to Hubert, too!"

"This one better not be big, Sasuke."

There is a few moments of silence.

"He's not that big." Naruto can hear the pout in Sasuke's voice.

"He isn't, huh?" Naruto approaches their room slowly, "Why is he here?"

"Hubert needs a friend."

Naruto groans.

"Hubert does _not_ need a friend, _you_ are Hubert's friend."

"I'm Hubert's mother, he needs a _friend_ friend. He wished for one!"

"Where is it, Sasuke?"

"Here."

Sasuke appears behind Naruto. Naruto jumps back.

"Oh my god, don't do that, especially when you have an unidentified snake."

"He's not unidentified, his name is Rhosemarie, and I love him."

"We need to put Rhosemarie back outside." Naruto watches the snake in Sasuke's hands.

"But he's a _baby,_ Naruto! We need to _raise_ him!" Sasuke brings it up to his face as he pouts.

"That thing is in no way, shape, or form, a _baby."_

"He's our baby, Naruto. We have to take care of him."

"Where did you even _find_ that thing?" Naruto asks.

"The pet store."

"The pet – oh, thank god." Naruto sighs in relief.

"Yup! The pet store. Right in the parking lot."

"Please, Sasuke, no."

"They had some on display out there!"

"That's good, that's good."

"And I found this one on the ground."

"That bad, Sasuke, that's bad."

"They said I could keep him!"

"They… they told you that."

"Yup!"

"Did they really tell you that?"

" _Yes."_ Sasuke frowns.

Naruto looks down at the snake. It hasn't bitten Sasuke yet, so it should be fine… right?

"Did he bite you?"

"No! He's a good boy." Sasuke kisses his head.

"Fine, I suppose we can keep Rosemary, then."

" _Rhosemarie,_ Naruto." Sasuke corrects him.

"The difference?"

"The spelling."

Naruto sighs.

"Of course, dear, of course."

* * *

"So, how was everything last night?" Sakura asks.

"He brought another one in."

"A third?" Sakura asks.

"A fourth, actually."

Sakura tries to fake pity but she's also trying to hold back a laugh.

"You really didn't expect this, huh?"

"Hubert needs a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend in case he's bi, pan, or maybe in a polyamorous relationship, I'm afraid of what he thinks Hubert needs next."

"Are these from the store?"

"I'm 99.9 per cent sure he found a snake dealer somewhere."

"You think he has a snake dealer?"

"Probably."

"How many snakes before enough is enough?"

"I'm not sure it'll ever be enough for him."

* * *

"Sasuke?" Naruto calls out into the house.

"I have a funny story to tell you!"

Naruto groans loudly.

* * *

 **A/n:** Hey guys! Feel like I have to address some concerns here:

This "series" is not a serious one. It's a side project. Yes, it occasionally (and more often than not) appears forced, because it is. This is my "I have writers block and/or I'm depressed because of something else I'm writing and I need it to stop" fanfiction. It's not supposed to be good.

It _was_ directionless at some point. The tie in in Sasuke's past was spur of the moment, glad you enjoyed that. This series wasn't supposed to go on so long! It was _The "Daddy" Incident_ , written because of a stupid joke I made on Tumblr, but people requested more of the AU, so here it is.

It's supposed to be over-the-top crazy. Sasuke's supposed to come off as a lunatic because, again, I hadn't had his past planned out. This is kinda a substance-less ramble.

I feel it's a little weirder to read here than on AO3 because here it's in one fic here and on AO3 they're separate pieces, because they're in the AU but not very connected.

I save my serious writing for other fics and the book I'm working on. This was never serious. I'm sorry if it came off that way, but this was more of a crack fic than anything. A lot of my ideas for this series are things my readers on AO3 throw at me. If it was merely what I was going to write, it would've been 4 installments and then done.

I thank you for the criticism, really! I always appreciate it! I just feel this time people are trying to see this series as something it's not. I'd very much enjoy more on, say, _I Love You, Naruto Uzumaki_ , one of my (very rare) serious ones.

Sorry if this disappoints, my dudes, but that's how it be on this bitch of an Earth. I'm not a very serious fanfic author, so don't expect so serious out of me.

Anyways, sorry about the long A/N, I've been getting occasional "I'm wishy-washy about this" and then "this wasn't written very well" reviews so I felt that should be addressed! I'd very much like people to like what I write, which requires understanding!

But again, I'm but a humble fanfic author, who does this for free (like most if not all fanfic writers), so I may or may not take any advice you send my way on my fanfics. I tend to take them straight to my writing for my book, so your concerns might not be addressed here, and certainly not on this fic, because it's not a serious one, but they're always appreciated!

Thank y'all for reading this, though! And doubly thanks for the feedback!

 **Fun Fact:** If you've ever watched the movie Tremors (or its sequels), the monsters are never explained in any movie. Isn't that funny? It's not as masterfully done but the "Daddy" thing will also never be explained.


	2. I Can Read

**A/n:** Hey! Sorry I haven't been writing! I'm, like, really deep in my book rn (fourth draft rip me) but I've been talking to a lovely reader on Tumblr and decided to post another! Not sure they're okay with me posting their URL here, but they'll know who they are! Thanks so much, love!

So, without further ado, here's probably (in my opinion), the strangest one I've written for some reason. I had no plans for this one so it just kinda... yeah, it's a thing alright. Wrote it in about an hour lol. It's 5am and I can't sleep.

I appreciate you guys reading this, man. I don't proofread these and just post them when I finish, so y'all the read MVPs.

Hope you enjoy!

*AO3 is being mean and won't let me post there. Rude. So you're getting this first.

* * *

Sasuke is… not happy.

You see, his maternity leave was over now, and he just _has_ to bring his babies with him! He can't leave them all alone! But the school, oh the _school,_ the _bastards,_ the sheer _audacity_ , told him he can bring one, _one_ snake! Out of, like…

Sasuke thinks for a moment. How many snakes did he have now? He wasn't certain.

…but the main thing? He can only bring _one!_ How is he going to explain to Hubert, Huberta, Rhosemarie, Rosemary, Rosemarie, Rohsmaree, and… the others, that he had to choose _one?_ It's sheer madness!

So, he brought Rohsmaree, since Naruto insisted when they talked about it. Naruto claims it's because Rhosmaree is the smallest, but Sasuke knows Naruto is partial. How dare he choose Sasuke's least favour- no, no, he doesn't have a least favorite, but if he _did,_ it would be Rhosemaree, without a doubt.

"…are you okay?"

Sasuke shakes his head.

"…aight."

The students are unusually silent, mostly due to the fact that their teacher has been staring at the wall for the past half hour. Concern for his well being isn't always the best thing to have, since he isn't well to begin with, but this is unsettling, to say the least.

"I can't believe they made me choose."

The students share glances.

"If you had maybe quite possibly 50 children-"

" _50?"_

"-how would you explain to the other 49 that you can only bring one to Disney World, and that that one is obviously your favorite?"

The students glance at the snake enclosure. Ah, it's about the snake.

"You have 50 snakes?"

"Quite possibly. I don't know how many I have now."

"…so, is this your favorite?"

"God, no! I don't do favorites, but Rhosemaree wouldn't make the top 49." Sasuke crosses his arms.

"What's so bad about Rosemary?"

"It's _Rhosemaree._ " A glare.

"That's what I said, Rosemarie."

" _Rhosemaree._ Your spelling's off, and in English class, too."

"The – the spelling?" The student sputters. "What spelling?"

"Rhosemaree isn't spelled the same way as Rosemarie."

"Where's the spelling?" Another student asks.

"There."

With no indication of where this "spelling" was, the students quiet down again. They have a feeling that, with the way the instruction this school year was going, they weren't going to pass the final exams. They collectively pray for their GPAs.

* * *

"Hey babe." Naruto leans on Sasuke's desk. "What's cookin' good lookin'?"

"Why did you choose Rhosemaree?" Sasuke asks ominously, staring at the snake enclosure.

"Well," Naruto straightens himself up, "she's the smallest of the bunch, Sas. I thought it would be easier to transport her."

"Is it not because you picked her out?" Sasuke glares at Naruto. "The only one you picked out?"

"Not at all, Sas."

Naruto sweats. That was most definitely the reason.

"Oh, so you admit it."

"Admit what?" Naruto's face takes on a look of concern.

"That you told me to bring Rhosemaree because you picked her out!"

"I didn't say anything!"

" _I can read, Naruto._ "

Naruto blinks rapidly.

"Read what?"

"That."

Without any indication of where the text he is reading is, Naruto sighs.

"Sasuke, I think you're losing it."

"I always have. But now, now I can see things as they really are."

Naruto looks down.

"Uh, Sas, you okay?"

"Never once, in my life, have I been okay."

Naruto looks back at Sasuke.

"I can finally understand everything that is going on, and you're asking me if I'm losing it. If anything, I am finding it, and I'm finding it pretty fast."

Naruto gulps. A trip to the psychiatrist might be great, albeit a little-

"Overdue."

Naruto jumps. "What?"

"A trip to the psychiatrist is overdue? How _dare_ you!"

"I didn't say anything –"

"I can _read,_ Naruto!"

"You keep saying that, I have no idea what you mean by it!"

"Naruto, why did you pick Rhosemaree out."

Naruto glances at the enclosure.

"She's small and cute." He shrugs. "Why else?"

"Naruto… tell me why."

"I just told you why."

"Think why, then!"

"What does that mean?!" Dear God, Sasuke can read minds.

"I can read, period." Sasuke crosses his arms.

"Sasuke, please don't murder me or something, because I'm getting murder vibes off of you."

"I won't murder you, I promise."

Yeah, psychiatrist it is.

* * *

"How you feeling, Sas?" Naruto asks his husband, who's currently lounged across the couch, face down.

"A lot."

Naruto frowns. "You feeling a lot?"

"Yeah."

Naruto sighs as he sits on the floor beside Sasuke.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Naruto leans his head lightly on Sasuke's side.

"You're my husband."

"I am, yes." Naruto is a little worried with how this is going.

"I love you."

"Thank you!"

"I wasn't finished."

Naruto stills his breathing. Uh oh.

"I married you based on love and mutual trust, or so I thought."

Naruto gulps.

"And yet, here we are, here _you_ are, and I feel the utter betrayal."

Here it comes.

"What's wrong, Sas-"

" _You know very well what's wrong!"_

Naruto remains quiet.

Sasuke lifts his head.

"How long were you going to wait to tell me Rhosemaree is a stuffed toy?"

"I'm surprised you noticed, honestly."

If looks could kill, everyone within a 100-mile radius would've felt that one.

* * *

 **A/n:** I'm like, 99.9% sure GPAs are affected by exams but I've been out of high school for a while and I cannot remember.


	3. Banned From Craigslist

**A/n:** Hey! Sorry I've been gone for forever! I've been working on original stuff + living life which isn't so great but eh, it happens.

I'm attending a convention next month so like, I might have more inspiration after that? Or maybe I'll work on my book more rip. I feel bad! I'm working on my stuff and y'all just here like "When this bitch gonna post again?" and I don't and I get sad. My momma like "Don't abandon these poor people!" bc like actually my mother is a huge NaruSasu shipper so there's that. She's very supportive of my original stuff, too.

This was very long I'm sorry I just want to talk lol. Hope you enjoy (especially since I feel there's been a lack of rants on Sasuke's part)!

* * *

Life is good. Very good, in fact. Sasuke has come to this conclusion based on three main facts:

He is married to the most amazing man in the universe

He has a shit ton of snakes that he loves equally… or so he says, and

Sasuke is very, very sure Naruto will appreciate his thoughtfulness (towards himself but hey, thoughtfulness is thoughtfulness in the long run, no matter who it's pointed to)

Naruto is blissfully unaware of number 3, which is wonderful, because Sasuke is determined to surprise him. Everything is going according to plan! Sasuke is very pleased.

"...when did you start talking in the third person?"

Sasuke glares at his student.

"You shouldn't eavesdrop on other's conversations. It's rude."

"Your conversation… with yourself?" The student asks.

"Yes."

"...the one you started in the middle of the lecture?" A request for clarification.

Sasuke stares the student in the eyes.

"Do you question me?"

"Actually yes, I do."

Sasuke crosses his arms. "How dare you come in here and question me, in my own home."

Another student perks up. "You live here?"

"If you knew how much work I put into my teaching, you'd know fully well I live here." Sasuke points to a large cupboard of sorts in the corner of the room. "That's where I sleep. Like a coffin."

"You're expecting to die here?"

"If not here, then where else?"

The students exchange weary glances. Mr. Uzumaki sure went off the deep end when he hooked up with Naruto.

* * *

"Do you remember when you were a rational man?"

Sasuke gives Naruto a strange look. "Whatever in the world do you mean? I've never been rational."

Naruto sighs. "You sure used to seem like it. You okay?"

"I'm fine." Sasuke replies.

"You've sure been acting strange the past few days."

"Nothing is wrong, Naruto, I assure you."

They enter their house, filled with snakes, of course. Naruto eyes the corner in the living room as they walk in.

"...what is that?" Naruto asks.

"What?" Sasuke looks where Naruto's gaze has settled. "Ah, that! I meant to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

"That we had some visitors."

"Visitors?" Naruto quirks a brow.

"Yes. Of the… extraterrestrial kind."

"Mm-hm." Naruto crosses his arms.

"Yes, and they decided that I was worthy, worthy of being the first human they made contact with! And, knowing me, as you do, they thought that I might be the only human they speak to, since I'm a little strange according to their customs." Sasuke places a hand on Naruto's chest. "Oh, their customs were weird, they only communicated through light shows and aggressive dancing. I got my work out in for the week."

"Alright."

"Yeah, so they decided that they'd be kind enough to gift us this, uh…" Sasuke glances at the object in question. "I'm actually not quite sure what the fuck it is, to be honest. Probably alien."

"Or, maybe, just maybe, you brought an apple tree in the living room."

"Ah, yes, they did tell me about these apples, but their word for "apple", which is a very impressive breakdance style of the chicken dance, is very close to their word for overlord, which is a breakdance slash waltz slash swing style of the chicken dance. You would not believe how close those are."

"It's on its side, Sasuke. It's too big for the living room."

"I think it looks lovely - sort of, modern-yet-mediocre-albeit-kinda-shit-art sort of sense, wouldn't you say?" Sasuke tilts his head.

"How in the ever living fresh fuck did you get a almost fully grown apple tree in our living room? Just how strong are you?"

"Don't underestimate me, Naruto, I can do a lot - I mean, the aliens helped me."

Naruto frowns. He's a little worried about this newfound knowledge about his husband. That's some impressive strength, and he's maybe thinking its manifested itself in the wrong man. Still, he couldn't help but be a little impressed and/or proud of his tiny lover.

"Please, don't bring anymore trees into the house, Sasuke."

"Alright, no more trees."

Naruto narrows his eyes.

"Why did you emphasize trees?"

"Uh, well, see, the English language is very strange, and as I, an English teacher, would know, emphasizing -"

"THERE'S METH IN THE TRUNK!"

Naruto blinks at Sasuke. "What the fuck was that?"

Sasuke shifts his weight to his other foot. "Pierro Rhosemayrie Ritardando Crescendo Jalapeno Ricardo Mitsubishi French Friday Hooter-McHooterson."

Naruto pauses for a moment. "Excuse me?"

"I said, he's Pierro Rhosemayrie -"

"He's? What's the he?"

"THERE'S METH IN THE TRUNK!"

"...he was cute, Naruto! I found him on Craigslist."

"What is he?"

"...a parrot."

"You bought a fucking parrot? On Craigslist?"

"Oh, Naruto, give him a chance -"

"He screams there's meth in the trunk?"

"He's had a very strange life, Naruto, and who are we to judge another man by the struggles he's faced and not the changes he's made and the lessons he's learned?"

"...you mean screaming there's meth in the trunk?"

"THERE'S METH IN THE TRUNK!"

"Well, we can train him to say something better." Sasuke purses his lips. "Like… tax benefits. Or nuclear disarmament."

"Why would we want a parrot that says tax benefits or nuclear disarmament?"

"Would you rather have a parrot that screams -"

"THERE'S METH IN THE TRUNK!"

Naruto sighs. "You are banned from Craigslist. For life."

"That's too bad. I was really thinking about buying your silverware back."

"We already got it back from Tenmari."

"But we didn't get it back from…" Sasuke trails off as he sees the anger in Naruto's face. "Santa Clause?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'm not sure we want to get into that today, dear, it's too late."

"It's 6pm, we go to bed at 10, isn't 4 hours enough?"

"How long have you known me, Naruto? Are you even my husband?" Sasuke scoffs. "We need at least 10 hours plus a lunch break."

* * *

"So, how did your surprise go?" Sakura asks Sasuke when he walks by her door.

"He's upset about the tree."

"Oh, that's too bad."

"Yeah, I was hoping it would lessen the blow of Pierro Rhosemayrie Ritardando Crescendo Jalapeno Ricardo Mitsubishi French Friday Hooter-McHooterson, but apparently it doesn't."

"I'm sorry, lessen the blow of what now?"

"Pierro Rhosemayrie Ritardando Crescendo Jalapeno Ricardo Mitsubishi French Friday Hooter-McHooterson. Our parrot that screams about meth in the trunk."

"Sasuke, I'm not sure anything could lessen that blow, especially a small tree."

"Oh no, it was a fully grown tree."

"Good god, Sasuke!"

"I am a good god, thank you."

* * *

Sakura swings by Naruto's classroom at the end of the day.

"I'm so, so sorry."

"About the bird, or the tree?"

"Everything, dude. What the fuck is going on in your life?"

"Love, Sakura, love." Sakura gives Naruto a look. "Okay, he's amazing in bed, too, but I like to think I do what I do out of love."

* * *

 **A/n:** *The parrot that screams there's meth in the trunk is a reference to another fic, How I Met My Husband, in which the parrot is a part of one of Naruto's stories. Thought I'd point that out lol.


End file.
